I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
