I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
