I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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