She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
