Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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