Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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