Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
