I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
