threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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