i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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