He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
