Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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