The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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