you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
