I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
