This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
