the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
