This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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