she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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