Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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