I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
