Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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