found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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