And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
