my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
