On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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