I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
