We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
