u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
