This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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