If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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