So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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