I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
