sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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