I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
