Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My penis needs a shock collar
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
