i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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