i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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