gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
