guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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