it hurts more in the daytime
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just want nice things and good sex
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
