I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
