Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
