what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
