Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
