didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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