im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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