I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
