Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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