Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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