i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
