And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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